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How do!

I’m Keith Lemon and this is me biography – that’s like a life story. It’s unofficial and that. Oosh!

You’ll know me face from off the telly. I do Celebrity Juice and Through the Keyhole and I’ve even done me own film. Kelly Brook’s in it, she’s off the telly. Jedward are in it, they’re off the telly. David Hasselhoff’s in it, he’s off the telly, the one with all the bang tidy birds. Yeah, me film’s called Keith Lemon: The Film ‘cos it’s about me and it’s a film. Oosh!

As well as being off the telly, I’m also famous for winning Businessman of the Year in 1993, but we’ll get to that. Me ventures started as soon as I got out of school, selling Rhino jeans on Leeds market.

It didn’t go well even though me product was bang tidy. All I wanted was to make a new life for meself in America ‘cos I was living with me Mam (word to yours) and Dad and our Gregory back then. Though all I could afford was to buy me Mam a new set of gnashers.
Without any customers, I decided to try me hand at inventing. I came up with the Securi-pole, a device to put across yer driveway to stop dingbats from nicking yer car. The Securi-pole has a two foot shaft. A two foot shaft…

I was just thinking about what I could do with a two foot shaft. Anyway, it was for this that I won me Businessman of the Year award. The judges said that it was their favouritestest product they had seen. Ever. Shetinggg!

I could’ve done with the Securi-pole after the ceremony, the birds were tearing strips off me! They weren’t all mingers either. But I was the dingbat. I blew all me cash on women and cheap lager and ended up with nothing.

After me blowing all me Benjamins, I lived on me own, birdless and depressed. That’s until some tellybox producers asked if I wanted to host me own show on the telly called ‘Keith Lemon’s One Night Stand’. I wasn’t sure but they told me how much I could make and then I was totally sure.

I hosted it with Tess Daly, she’s fit. Vernon Kay’s missus. Bang Tidy! The show helped lads who couldn’t get a bird, get a bird. It was a success and helped me find a few future Mrs Lemonses. I originally went after Tess but she wasn’t having any of it. I was sure she was a lesbican.

This was a springboard to other work on the telly. I was on Bo Selecta where I took me Securi-pole to the USA. I did the DVD of Keith Lemon’s Very Brilliant World Tour, and other tellybox projects like LemonAid, Sing If You Can and Lemon La Vida Loca.

Now I’m hosting Celebrity Juice on ITV2 and Through the Keyhole on ITV1 with me mates Holly Willobooby, Fearne Cotton (Have you seen her nostrils?!) and Dave Berry.